Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Longer I Live

The Longer I live
the less I see things as either or
and the more I find the most reasonable answers
are often all about

I don't know why but when I was young
out there
seemed to be more interesting
more tantalizing than
what I took with me everywhere
that bein
my heart

Should I go to school
Should I become a part of the system
Should I graduate
Should I give a shit
My heart mulled these evaluations

Somewhere along the way I realized
the middle of the road gets more sun
it stays the warmest longer
well, unless there is a mountain in the way
then it could be in shadow most of the day
life isn't fixed
but thinking about the journey we are on
the road we are traveling up
or down
its more about finding the warmth
and appreciating it

When people get hung up on either or
they tend to get rigid
it's my way or the highway
and this affects our
the way we ultimately decide to live
each moment
each day
of our lives

Should I get married
Should I get divorced
Should I take that next step
Is stability every thing it's cracked up to be

How do I apply all of the wonderful lessons I've learned
into day to day living so I am equipped to make
good decisions

I can consider lessons I've learned from my past
experiences and emotions and consequences
and I can make plans for the future
I'm going to the grocery store
better get my keys
or I need to decide whether or not to sell the farm

I can trudge up things of the past
oh I remember grieving or feeling so all alone
but going over detailed re-enactments of what happened to me
just ain't runnin on the wheel anymore

I have found considering the past is a good thing
because we learn from ours and from other's experiences
And having a plan without any expectations is actually
pretty reasonable
but in order to have balance
it is important to live right now
in the moment
being in the moment is definitely where it's at

lucky as shit about that
I used to have a hard time falling asleep
because I would think about
it seemed like all of the questions
and conundrums of the world
would flutter through my subconscious

Should I sell the farm
Should I open up the house to travelers
or artists and poets and musicians who needed a getaway
who needed some times to just feel the earth between their toes
and get a few calluses on their hands
I've been a hermit for most of my life
And then I thought
What if someone came and didn't want to leave
What if I tried to take care of the farm alone
what if
I fell down in the haybarn lost my balance
it already happened once
had it been any worse my leg might have twisted the wrong way
and then
nope being alone isn't viable
and without knowing people
I don't think I could keep up with their coming and going

I didn't want the kids to have their own flow
they had their own life to create and follow
the most reasonable decision was to sell the farm
I needed to change my perspective
it wasn't a loss
it had been a great way to raise the kids
it had been a great place to heal
and while I would have wanted to stay there
for the rest of my life
it was time to finally learn
to let it go
let go of my expectations of life
and instead
look at it realistically
there is another phase for me
another place to live
it it time to stop resisting change
and to go with it
not to grieve over it
but to celebrate it

I asked my sister to help me with this decision
After two years of struggling I still wasn't any closer
to knowing what to do

We figured that if we lived closer
than at least we would all see our kids if they wound up
living in other places too
it was time to sell the farm
it was time to move
so I had an auction
packed up
found homes for my much loved
llamas and donkeys and mule and goat
and my stinkin cats
and my Akita and Bulldog and
got a little house my sister found for me
with a wonderful yard
I was close to my sister
and it was absolutely the best decision
our kids grown and growing
were close and my sister and I loved each other
and enjoyed being able to see each other
and funny thing about it was
my adult kids all wound up in Chicago
living together
making friends
having a life
going to Columbia College
learning how to take public transporation and
learning how to take their country
sensibilities with them to

it was great
I went back to Columbia College
and finished what I started back in the early seventies
and I even graduated on the Dean's List
30 years after I started there
Two of my children graduated from Columbia College too
what a great experience that was

moving to this area
and going to college in Chicago
and the kids living together in an apartment
and working and going to school and
making friends
creating a life there
that probably wouldn't have happened
had I not sold the farm
Their lives opened up tremendously
from having lived in the City

Turns out
the decision to sell or stay wasn't about
should I move
or should I stay
or should I live on the road
it was about
and being in contact with each other
it was about cherishing those times we had together
it was about celebrating life
and celebrating each other's lives too
none of this would be happening
if I sold the farm and kept a few acres and
put a tiny house on it.
taking that next step
is how I got here
right now
it's how I got to peace
and understanding
in the one City that decades ago I hated
who knew


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