Moving back to my beloved Michigan,and the year of preparation to sell the house and then move into my new home and unpacking took a toll on me. The soft tissue weakness from an accident that occured 25 years was giving me some trouble, yes. And taught me a great lesson.
A dear friend of so many, Baba Ram Dass passed on recently. I was just gathering my thoughts to write about life and suffering and freedom while he was already preparing for his journey.
There is something lovely and long lasting when we meet people who are well, who they are. To have clear discussions about life, simply, is a beautiful thing. I have had such discussions with several people in my life. And they remain in my heart and mind.
Years ago one of my dearest companions, Bear, an Akita and caretaker of my soul, passed. And the grieving I felt was so intense that I would awaken in the wee hours, sobbing, uncontrollably. I have wept for the loss of a loved one or dear animal friend before. But this was gut wrenching. Like a child I called out his name, Bear, I just want you back. All of my beliefs about life disintegrated in grief.
And then one day, I may have been watching an old movie or just thinking of one.... its too long ago now. And it was a movie that took place in WWII. And a lover wrote to her love who had written to her as well. Their letters crossed. And even though he had died on the battlefield, for a time their love were carrying them through another day. And I thought, I am going to try an experiment. I am going to tell myself, even in knowing the truth, that when I think about Bear I will pretend that he is just in the backyard. And I would feel that he was still alive and love him.
And then one day I had a thought, an epiphany really. I can keep on loving even though the one I love is gone. For love is a powerful thing and it never dies. It always lives in us and through us.
I thought of my grandparents, and loved them, I thought of Chogyam and loved him and now I think of Ram Dass and I love him. I don't miss anyone anymore. Because all of their love and their teachings and with some, even friendship, will continue to live on.
A letter I meant to write but was still percolating in my mind and heart, was waiting to be written.
Now it is written to the ether without any expectation that it will be read. It is just for my soul to express.
For months after the move I kept trying to unpack and take care of my house but I was in so much pain I could barely hold onto my sanity. Not always. Usually, at night. Even a sheet on my legs and feet and pulling the sheet over me, my wrists had become so weak that I could barely cover myself. Then I would have a good day. But soon I was back in trouble, in pain. And then I realized, I had to stop everything. I was not allowing my body to hear. I was continually tearing that soft tissue that was trying so hard to hold my body together. Yes, I decided to stop. I stopped striving to finish unpacking. I stopped everything. It was so hard to do as next to nothing as I possibly could. I stopped writing and painting and going for walks. I have my body time to heal. I am still doing very little but I a little writing is fine.
I stopped grieving for the life I used to have. For my health. And then something wonderful happened. Thoughts and feelings that I thought were completely disconnected came together. Love was all I could give. My efforts of any other kind were futile. So I let my efforts go.
My companion and Service Dog, Coco, another Akita and an amazing friend was aging. My new Service Dog and another Akita, is on the job, though Coco still takes care of me. But I can see her failing. For the past two or so years I have been grieving for her and all the while she is right here, now.
And I realized that all of the pain and suffering I had been going through was in part of my own doing. Yes, it was true that Coco's health is failing. As is mine. I didn't realize that I had stopped playing with her. I hold her close to me and loved her of course but I was so worried about her I forgot to have fun, to bring love and joy back into our days. And she is smiling, we are smiling again. And instead of grasping ahold of sadness and change I let it go.
Ram Dass, I thought you would get such a kick out of this. For so long I have struggled with suffering. From the injuries of the accident 25 years ago and from heartache and love lost. And all of the meditating and living in the moment and loving and going on with life was not enough because instead of grasping the beauty of life, I was grasping suffering and wounds of my past. And then something wonderful happened. I loved those who had long sense left and continued to love them. I loved my two ex-husbands. One of which who had passed years ago, unbeknownst to me. And I thought, I loved these men. Honestly and truly with all of my heart. What they did with that had nothing to do with me. The pain I felt was gone. It disappeared in the ether. And I was free to love them. And I could breathe. Most of my life I have had wonderful relationships with people. Only a few were painful. Now, who did what to whom no longer mattered. Love was and is all I feel. I am grateful for the loves I have felt.
I am healing physically. My daughter had been an incredible help. And my son came to visit and he stepped in and helped hang a huge painting neither one of us could lift and hang anymore. We had visits and meaningful talks and love and all is good. I am so grateful to be alive today. So grateful to love and grow and also free to let go. I am not afraid of what I will lose. The freedom is exhilarating, yes.
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