Wednesday, May 8, 2013

A Leg Up

A Leg Up ~ by Jenn Weinshenker

I remember a time
when I used to feel so worthless
so judged because I couldn't make it
I desperately needed a hand up, 
I wasn't looking for a hand out 
just a leg up

And I remember when...

I felt like I was drowning. 
In over my head. 
I couldn't see where I was going. 
I was trying so hard and getting nowhere. 
I couldn't sink
I couldn't swim
I couldn't articulate

As an artist, 
as a woman, 
as a woman with a fk'n brain injury who couldn't hold onto a complete thought... 
and I remember working my heart out, 
until it was so physically and mentally painful I thought... 
how can I keep going? 

And I thought
I have to live well
to show my children
that some times life is hard
it is really really hard
and you can choose to be a victim
or you can choose to become empowered
and to grab a hold of this life
with all of its mysteries
and beauty
and devastation
And the next day.... do it all over again. 

And I hoped that reason 
and my hard work 
and determination 
and passion 
would translate some kind of truth on the canvas, 
and on the written page. 

my heart was begging, 
I don't want a hand out, 
just a leg up... 

After nine years I could read a real book.
I went back to college because I was told
that unless I had an art degree
my work would never be taken seriously

So I dug in
and I worked hard
so hard some times my head sunk into my hands
and I would hide my tears
because I just couldn't figure 
And I would ask a tutor to show me
and he would later tell me
he always knew I was in trouble 
when I put my head in my hands
and he respected me
because I never tried to get anybody 
to do my work for me
and he was so kind and patient
and he taught me
and I learned how to build my own website
and I learned how to take good pictures of my artwork
and format them so I could make posters and things
using my images on them
and I learned how to write again
though this time it was a little
And I got my degree
And I was on the Dean's List when I graduated
And I say that with pride
because I didn't just get a piece of paper 
and skim through
I worked my ass off 
I found a way to do the damn thing and I did it 

And I finished 
Down the Road
and I finished The Journey Series
and Unchartered Waters
and now The Root

And I am still working my heart out 
every now and then I come to the surface 
I can see the sun 
feel the love from my family keeping me going 
I know.... 
some how through all of this shit and heart ache, 
that love and truth and living purposefully has been worth it. 

So yeah, some times life don't come easy
and you can be a passenger
and someone can come crashing into your life
and turn it upside down
and you wake up and you know you will 
never be the same
and some times it feels like getting there
and it might be
your perspective changes
and you realize
the beauty of the journey
is not about the
its about the view
outside your window
and how it makes you feel
right then
right now.

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