Two Birds Being Read

Two Birds has been speaking to me all day. We are in this together now. 

Listened to Kenny Chesney. No Shoes No Shirt No Problems.... on auto replay. My mind wandered through the ether. Day trippin with the ease of a breath of fresh air and a wing of freedom for not having
to do anything
to feel this way.
Man and that's the good stuff right there.
Best One Step other than
the Boss
his was right to the heart
to the gut
to the groin

 Kenny's
I close my eyes like Grandma used to when she was listening

Can't share any more than that. It is just a little bit, a bit of grain in a field of hay
maybe this one
It's a heart breaker so.... there's that... but it's so good.

There were some happy story songs too.
But I have been giving it some thought and wondered
Why did I zero in on these songs?
 
While I was painting
my mind strayed
and I was at the memorial
where Out of the Ashes went to live some where else

Coco and I were asked to go up front
the line of firemen stood there
so strong and beautiful
and one of the older men looked at me
his face was flush
his eyes were filled with tears
and he silently mouthed
thank you
and that moment has stayed with me today
why

I was painting two birds
why was that coming into my mind


 

It was a recognition
and then I thought
Had he read my book
or the poem about the painting?

I saw it in his eyes
that he had read me
he felt that way
because I had done the same thing
when I painted that painting
when I wrote those words

It was an understanding however it happened
It was such a raw few seconds
I don't even think I had the presence of mind to
do more than take in his expression

It is a beautiful thing when some one sees you

I think that awareness was with me
when I was painting Two Birds
and again later
when the dogs and I were walking together

we have established our own common language
and we read each other

Its a pretty cool experience
that moment
and man oh man
it is a beautiful thing
a really beautiful thing.

some times I think we spend a lot of time
worrying about whether we are going to be loved
or understood or accepted by one special person
and if we don't
then all is lost
I don't think that is true.
I think when we are understood
it can change everything
and that doesn't necessarily mean all is lost
because it doesn't come from one person in particular

Today first the first time
the little 8 year old dingbat dog I adopted a couple of months ago
didn't get up and leave the room when I vacuumed
He knew I wasn't going to disturb him 
and he knew he was safe
And it made me feel good that he understood this by my actions

When it was time for a break
I got ready to take Coco and Rider for a walk
I put their leashes on them and then we went out back
and I opened the gate.

Rider has had a real thing about my two cats.
When he first got here he barked non-stop
Not more than a week ago I was wondering
if I had made a mistake
and then the focus went off of what I wanted him to do
and onto just living and doin' the damn thing
and this is what happened...

Coco, Rider and me were going out the gate and one of the cats was there.
I told Rider, no bark and praised him calmly
good no bark Rider
Left side I said to see if he would go to my left side like Coco
and he did it
And then he barked
I didn't yank at him or yell at him
I just calmly turned around and went back inside the gate and closed it
Then we turned back around and I reminded him
Don't bark Rider
and we went out the gate again
and he barked though it was less
and we went back inside the gate again and I closed it
Then we went back out again and this time he just made a sound and
back again we turned and went back into the yard
and I closed the gate
No additional words were spoken.
Then we went out onto the driveway and Rider did not bark
He was quiet
he saw the cat and we walked right by
and I praised him and told him how good he was
it was a wonderful break through moment

he was walking in perfect sync
in between Coco and me
and then
dududuhhhh
another cat
I reminded him
Rider no bark
and he was once again
perfect
and he stayed on my left side

we walked together for awhile
and in one stretch 
where the road narrows I told them to wait
and I stood facing them with my back to the road
so they were safe between a rail and me
Coco is used to this
but this was the first time Rider waited instantly and knew to stay
and of course I praised them both

we continued on and I thought
we are reading each other
I know I'm going to protect them
they know they are safe
and we are all pacing ourselves and walking together
and it is really
nice

It doesn't have to take more than a moment for life to give you
a nice big ol hug

as Grandma would ask me
"Isn't that the berries?"
And we'd say, "It's the strawberries."

When you've got people
or dingbat animals that show you this
its special

Love doesn't always come to us the way we think it will.
It isn't always given to us by the people we think will love us forever.
Those dreams and hopes disintegrated for me, decades ago.
Maybe that is why I so appreciate the love I have in my life
from my family, friends and Coco and the rest of our four legged crew.

I've shared these vids before but the way this post has evolved I thought, this is the way music inspires me when I'm working.  This is the way my thoughts come together.  And this is an example of how cryptic, at least to me, my artwork comes together on a canvas.  It is always in the moment when it is happening and without this blog, forgotten in the mist of memory loss from the brain injury.  

I've been giving this more thought because the music feels so intense and heavy which doesn't reflect the frame of mind I am in right now.  I'm thinking, because I don't store memories correlated to emotions anymore, maybe that is why I am drawn to certain music when I am working on a painting.  I want to feel a certain emotion while I am working on a painting and the music helps me to get there.  I think that's it.  

Well, today is a new day.  There is more to discover, more to forget and more to be grateful for, now.


Oh and I finally have a good picture of Uncharted Waters.  My daughter took it with proper lighting and a good wide angle lens.

 

Kenny Chesney

Annulments have a fraud box you can check because an oopsy box doesn't exist.  Most people use that option.  So why did people and the media jump to Kenny Chesney's sexual preference when he and Renee Zellweger got an annulment after their brief marriage?

I am sick of everything about a person being boiled down to a person's sex life.  Unless someone wants to talk about it, its their business.  Kenny is an amazing story teller and he emotes a truth from the heart that moves me.  That's all that matters. 

When the kids and I moved out to the country we lived a very quiet life.  I wasn't dating.  Wasn't interested.  We were enjoying life and I didn't want to take a chance on bringing another man into my children's life.  Into mine either for that matter.  I was still recovering from my divorce.  After four years I did start seeing someone and I'll never forget going to the fruit stand and the lady I knew there asked me about it and I said yes, we were seeing each other and she said, "Thank God!  We all thought you were gay!"  I was taken aback.  My first thought was, if I was, why would you care?  And if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't be ashamed about it.  And then I thought, why is my sex life or lack thereof any of your business?  People must be really bored to speculate about some one's sex life. 

What hit me at this time was how much things had changed in the past twenty years.  It used to be if you were single or if you had a friend you were single or you had a friend.  But with TV and movies getting all sexed up about everything that had changed.  Now if you are seen with someone it is assumed you are having sex with them.

I remember feeling a sense of tension when I was being friendly and just said hello, which is what used to be a polite thing to do.  When I said this to a male I often got the feeling that they were thinking I wanted to be with them.  Like, saying a friendly hello in return would encourage me to want to be with them in a romantic way.  One day I put a ring on my wedding ring finger because I missed wearing it and that's the finger it fit on.  And I noticed when I said, "Hey," after that it was okay.  People were at ease.  Either because a husband validated my existence so I must be worthwhile and not crazy or because they figured if somebody else could be married to me I already had somebody.  I don't know why but all I know is that people reacted more naturally to me and friendlier.  I still wear a ring (not a wedding ring) on that finger. And while I enjoy the ease people seem to have around me when I wear it that isn't the reason I wear it there.  I wear it there because I like the ring and that's the finger it fits on.  Some times what people do and say is just that simple.

I remember hearing rumors about me in high school.  One was that I had sex with some boy.  Which was interesting since I was a virgin and while the boy did come over to my house once, he and my Mom and I sat in the living room and talked and we never had a sexual relationship of any kind, that night or at any other time.  Later I heard I was gay.  And I thought about it.  Nope, I wasn't sexually attracted to women.  I was attracted to men.  And then I thought, where do people come up with this crap?  And why?  The funny part about it is, if I was gay, I would be totally okay with it.  I have learned that what people are on the inside, who they are and how they treat others and approach life is what I appreciate most.  When a person is kind and compassionate and honest and loving I like that.  I don't care about the outside or their gender.  Those are the qualities I admire and love. I am completely comfortable having friends and not having sex with them.  What bothers me about this American obsession with other people's sex life is that it is shallow as hell, nobody's business and puts a person on the defensive about their own sex life.  It's like there is an assumption being made and there is no way of knowing where or when or who started the rumor it is based on.  And no telling when you will meet someone who looks at you in that way, like they know something about you, you don't know yourself.

I decided a long time ago that if a person was judging me and they didn't know me directly, I didn't give a shit about what they thought.  They were clearly going to think what they wanted anyway.  And I had no interest whatsoever in being friends with someone who did that, to me or anybody else.

So what's up America?  Why the obsession with sex in every damn relationship?  I have had tons of friends in my lifetime and I never had sex with them.  Just because you love someone and spend time with them and you are close that doesn't mean you are having sex with them.  And just because you choose not to have sex with anybody that doesn't mean you are gay.   Honestly, gender means less to me as I get older. 

People used to say, after my second divorce, don't worry, you'll meet someone.  And I'd say, I don't want to meet someone.  I'd rather have a room mate that is a friend than get involved with anyone.  It's like my life couldn't possibly have value all on its own unless someone else validated me.  I remember feeling like having a T-shirt printed up saying, "I don't want your money, your boyfriend, your girlfriend or a favor, I'm just saying, "Hi," and being friendly, being polite.

Getting back to Kenny Chesney.

He sings country music and his voice takes you into a time of life with such authenticity that whether he is singing, "I Can't Go There," or One Step Up, a Bruce Springsteen song; Kenny makes it all his own.  Because you feel that it is.

Kenny Chesney ~ I Can't Go There

Kenny Chesney ~ One Step Up - right between the eyes

Bruce ~ One Step Up
Breaks my heart every time I hear it.

Kenny keeping it real, from the heart...

His album, "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem," kicks.  And Kenny Chesney is a wonderful artist.