Didn't Have a Clue

I don't think of life in straight lines.
Maybe I never did.  I have learned that in life....
you can't see it all coming
you don't always know what to do or say
the expectations I once placed so heavily on myself
when I came to terms with being a flawed human being
was that even when you are not paying attention,
right away,
you always are in the position of learning something.
When I think of all I have learned about empowerment,
personal empowerment, I could write a freakin' book. 

Most of my young years life was coming at me.
I was seeing, hearing, day dreaming,
reading and singing on the swing in back of the house.
But I was young when I first started to ask.... why?

Its like my brain started questioning and then for ten years
blip
and then it started to question again.  Why?

And I learned that the lens of our experience teaches us
one image at a time
one sound at a time
one insight at a time
our brains are processing and passing along information
making an indelible imprint in our sense of being
our sense of place
in the world
and inside

When I realized the world was much bigger than I
and when I read books about history
and philosophy and wars and holocausts
and there came a time when
once again I
questioned

Questions that other people asked
who believed in some kind of ism
 religious or political or philosophical
were often different in my brain

Growing up in the 20th century
most people who have had answers to the questions
that plagued my soul
that robbed me of having any peace
but it wasn't that easy with me
Grandma introduced me to Confucius when I was young
And I discovered Buddha and shared his teachings with her
So where do we go when we die?
Lots of people would die to protect their belief
that there is a heaven and a hell awaiting for everyone
saint and sinner a like
but I didn't believe that.
I did believe that at one time of my life though
But no, I couldn't buy it
I didn't believe that we came back at other creatures
and could remember previous lives
but I did believe Einstein
and understood that life was all about all of those
little itty bitty pieces
all swirling around each other and making
mass and magic happen
So I couldn't believe that there were layers to this
reincarnation
if you were bad you were doomed to a life of
servitude and doing things that classified you as
untouchables
nope
I saw that as crowd control
and getting shit done nobody else wants to do
by promising if you do this long enough
you will become enlightened
and you would be able to transcend
all of the pile of stinky shit
that you pick up on your shoes along the way?
well, it was life
and it was shit
and some times it took awhile to see it clearly
but it was all a part of the process it took me
to get to right where I am right now
Content with not having to hold up the world on my shoulders
full aware that I was incapable of saving anybody
that there was more that one teacher in this world
and even if there wasn't
I ain't it

and then to take up my own ragged
damaged self
and sort out what was true
and what does it all mean
when you suffer and others suffer
and people seem to
never get it
how connected we all are to everything
we have these great big brains
and still think if I dump some polluted mess
into the air or water or soil
and nobody sees it
nobody will know what kind of shit world
I am leaving behind
so it won't matter
but it does
it all matters
it all matters all of the time

My Grandpa use to say something to me
that has stayed with my
my whole life
he said
you may have three fights in your life
and all of the decisions you make
will prepare you for making the right choices

I told my kids
never do anything in life
you can't live with

because it never goes away
there is no erase that works
because our brains are bouncing electrical signals
through an endless combination of pathways
and connected pathways
the shorthand of our experiences
so it is important
to walk softly
to be mindful of the way you are living
and to consider this carefully
from Buddha and Lao Tzu I learned
we are all connected with each other and nature
all of the time
everywhere
and how we live and what we do
effects all of nature
even when we are unaware of this
and we don't think its true

there is no
one lesson
one mark
one verse
that says it all

because we don't know it all
we will never know it all
some times we ask questions
and there aren't any answers for them
I remember when Chogyan and I were talking about this
and how shocking saying it out loud
there are some questions that are unanswerable
I was never the same after that awareness
made it through my thick skull

it took life
hard times
good decisions
hard decisions
life and death decisions
peace of mind decisions
and a self examined way of living
before my soil had been tilled enough
and enough seed had been given room to
root and grow
before Lao Tzu could teach me
that we are as connected to nature
and to each other
in this moving swirling existence

Einstein taught me that the moving
swirling existence
was mass
moving around
with and without you

and like Gandhi taught
the energy the we put forth
has the power to change the world
in a way force and intimidation never will

it was Martin Luther King Jr.
who taught that it was good to have faith
that people would one day get it
that they would one day be able to value each other
and love one another

but it took me
to finally wake up
no it was more lots of little mini awakenings
before I figured out that
yes we are all connected
there will always be one more thing to learn

and that's good
because that's the big picture


the questions that i kept stumbling over were more like these
is there a god
if there is a god
who or what is it
if there is a god
how could it ever have allowed one holocaust to occur
why was there so much injustice and cruelty in the world
if people were the vehicle god used to communicate
with us through the spirit
then why did it take so long to learn
something new that would be good for us
that would be helpful to know
why did we keep on making the same mistakes
historically
ironically
and tragically
over and over and over again

would we ever learn
would I ever learn

and then when the accident happened
and I had to learn how to think again
and how to live again
without context
and for a long time
without hope
and maybe without the ability to even see
at times
I had lost all hope

but I had to know
I mean
when I prayed
should I ask for help or guidance
or some
thing
or should I approach god in a certain way
I couldn't memorize prayers
or recite verses of any kind
I couldn't remember what day it was
and certainly if anybody did know what time it was
it
wasn't
me

so where to from here
and I learned a few things along the way
that blew my mind

the first awakening
was becoming open to the thought
that energy was
nothing personal
it was energy
there was a cause and effect
and the faster energy moved
the more powerful it became
because energy is always moving

and then understanding that the earth isn't the center of the universe
and neither am I
that was a biggy too

but what did these big ideas
help me find clarity in this life
in this crazy moving mixed up
non sensical life

they seemed pretty important
and for a long time I presumed other people
had asked those questions
and after living long enough
and mindfully enough
it did seem that they found answers
but I didn't understand what they were
I read them
I studied them
but knew what they meant?

no
I still didn't have much of a clue