Loving

The relationship I had with my Mom was complicated.  I remember the toll her life had taken on her and how miserable she was and for decades I did everything I could to let her know she was loved.  And then things would get so bad I've have to back away for awhile.  At the end of her life she had her whole family around her.  My sister and I and our kids and my brother-in-law loved her even though she did so much to push everyone away.  During that time my sister and I talked about this and I thought, I may not ever get the love from her I hoped for but I was going to love her because she was my Mom and that was what I wanted to do.  I wanted to love my Mom.  And when her life came to an end my sister and I were there with her loving her.  She could not push us away and die alone even though she had tried. 

I think at that time we mourned the epiphany we had hoped would occur.  But there was no awakening, no appreciation for her family or for the love everyone so wanted to give her and did give her.   And I thought, some times people live their whole lives that way.  Always looking at the one thing that didn't go their way.  Always being miserable.  And no amount of love or kindness or understanding ever got through.  My Mom was a brilliant woman.  She did a great job raising us.  She had her own business and worked hard and brought us up to enjoy the beauty of art, to enjoy music and theater and to be interested and impassioned about politics and society.  So much of the best of who my sister and I became are because of the best of who our Mom was. 

And then I thought, being able to appreciate life is so important.  Because we can't get back those moments that we waste fighting life.  I still love my Mom.  And appreciate all of the good she did and all of the good things she taught us through her example.  And even the lessons I learned from her destructive self-behavior.  Her life was not wasted.

And then I thought about how lucky I am to have the love of my sister and her family and my children and our extended family and everyone I know.  To miss any of this because I became bitter over having a brain injury or life not going my way would have been my loss.  To know that they would have loved me anyway is an amazing thing.  But to - in the moment - love each other, regardless of what is going on in life - that right there is what makes life worth living.  I am so grateful.

This is a beautiful teaching from an old friend of mine.  I thought I'd share him with you.  I love you.